


we're hostages of geography

by pluvieux



Category: Original Work
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Love, Poetry, Tags, i have adhd, i have mood swings, look ok, love love love, oh my, prose, prose poetry, starts out a bit sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-16
Updated: 2017-10-16
Packaged: 2019-01-18 04:35:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12381003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pluvieux/pseuds/pluvieux
Summary: i miss you now, what's come over me?we're hostages of geographythe wait is long, + heavy toodespite what you're accustomed toi know that life moves on, that's what scares me sohave no intentions of letting goonly us, no one in the worldonly us, no one in the worldi better do something, move earth + sky+ patiently, sweetly, with all of my mindi sing only for youto the beat of my footsteps in the nightClose your eyes and dream me homeForever mine, I'll be forever yoursAlways, evermore, and on and onAlways, evermore, and on and onAlways, evermore, and on and onAlways, evermore(villains of circumstance || queens of the stone age.)





	we're hostages of geography

my father gave my brother the middle name "blade" so that he may stab me in the back 18 years later.

my father told me, "no matter what you've done, you are still my daughter + i love you." as if all of this has nothing to do with him. as if i have to carry all of the blame. you told me you loved me before you left.

it's not true.

something goes wrong when i hear or read the words from you.  
something goes wrong with the words in between the space of you + me  
they warp in the air, blur, a ringing noise in my ears interferes

you will never apologise to me. i know that.  
even though i am blank now. i've slowly handed over my emotions, my personality to you over the years + now i am an empty husk of the girl i should have been.  
\+ that's entirely on you, that's entirely your fault  
but you will never apologise to me. i know that.

  
i've been up + down my mind + still haven't found an exit,  
\+ i've been trying since i've moved here but it's either rage, tiredness, anxiety, timidness, occasionally content but everything feels like haze. like everything i should have been is just mist + i can feel the disappointment, the judgment hanging in the air like heavy fog.  
\+ maybe that's just in my head but it's how i feel but i'm scared to address any of it with anyone. i'm just alone in that.

i just want to feel good in a way that does not feel forced.  
a natural love.  
a love that will last.

since i was young enough to bite, i never bore venom against those who harmed me  
instead, i looked to my future with hope + faced the present, ready for impact in the coming days  
i weighed my happiness, my childlike hope on a number

i want to be somewhere else.  
be someone else.  
there isn't home for me right now, in this point of my life  
but what i can aim for is a belonging  
(which is what i am currently lacking. hardcore.)

when others take, nature gives  
deep, dark, + coiling  
a thick, deep purple ooze that i cough out + sputter late at night  
an aura, lots of spikes, bright colours that warn, "i am poisonous"

_you aren't that_  
bonbon your writing is incredibly expressive but your thoughts.... you're putting all on you, on the inevitability of this one emotion  
i know you aren't that. i know you are not this harmful person, with a gruelling darkness inside you  
you're just swirling in this mess of emotion you currently have right now  
it will subside  
you will realize any place is a home with yourself at mind  
im always here for you  
im always there to help you  
and i have no problem with letting you tell me all this so i can tell you that no, you are not "poisonous", you are not a result of your previous housings, you are not lost, you are who you are, and you should be happy, i am in love with you. and definitely not any of those things 

_milk ghost - Aujourd'hui 23:37_  
i love you  
it hurts me when you say you're alone  
you're all i have in this world  
and i feel more accompanied than the most social of butterflies  
forgive me if that was cheesy or something  
it's true 

love that's like i would drive 2,133 miles just to see you. i would fly six hours + twenty minutes for about a thousand dollars just to stay a week with you because your presence is worth even more than that to me. a love like make sure you kiss your clasped hands on both sides + then the middle to represent us being together. the fact that you kiss it so much because it's supposed to be my hand. i trust you with my life. you'll be my shield during scary movies but you've always been my sword. talking about movie directors that make poor colour choices + vinyls + art that have all the right ones. like you live in califuckingfornia but you've helped me fold + with (garlic) bread, wine + poetry + when i first wrote about you it was in maroon + what a coincidence that that was a colour you loved, you live for the arts + + i live for laughing together with you. this is a love that we stayed up together, an all nighter, laughing + snorting while i played portal 2 + you played breath of the wild + i always take so many screenshots of you wrapped up in your light blue blanket. everyone has that fucking throw. we are on completely different sides of the country yet we've already made so many memories together in five months. a love where you click instantly, a love that intertwined after three days + is so tightly wound together into eternity.

it's laughing trauma off, giggling + waiting for the other person to join in. "that's so fucked up. no one should have to go through that. i'm here if you want to talk." + i bit at him. i devoured + twisted his hands that tried so hard to help but lo + behold one week later, we were emotionally fucking each other, sobbing + shaking about all our of baggage. we got all of that out of the way, all cards on the table within the first month. 

\+ we still love each other. unconditionally.

when i look at him, i forget about the rolling fog of the mountains i live in. don't get me wrong, the smoky mountains are gorgeous, + "it's a great day to be a mountaineer," but some days it feels like gunsmoke, a physical manifestation of my internal battle --- anyways, when i look at you, i step onto grass. it's soft, well-watered. it smells like flowers all around. there's a lake + it's clear + can't you realise i'm just thinking of that lake from pokemon 4ever because we stayed up watching the pokemon movies after he watched me spend half an hour trying (+ eventually succeeding) to put my hair into space bunbuns. love is feeling like you are drowning when the other is sad. his happiness is infectious. give him an hour + i will be put back together. yes, i am most active at night. those are the hours when we get the most time together. + i gladly give my night to him. i gladly write the stars for him. the moon. the crisp air, the dim porch light when you walk outside to feed the cats. 

love is staying in your closet for hours just to ensure that you sleep together. it's gossiping + making fun of each other + showing each other off... to each other + to everyone that can see or hear. 

he's made me open up like one. blossom. i've been flourishing. i have never been happier. i hate to balance my joy on another human being + relationships really can't fix your mental problems but wow, wow wow wow.  
because my thorns, my briar bush, my barriers, the fact that my last name has always indicated that i have always been royalty + though hamlet was the prince of denmark, what's that to a woman? to intrude on my emotions, to rush to my aid, running into my chamber without permission was treason but he did it time + time again until finally i stopped asking him to stop asking about certain topics. i stopped asking him to stay silent when i told him the things i went through. i stopped telling him to stop pointing out flaws in way i was treated or to, dare he, try to help me. he suffers marks on the palms of his hands from when he's torn at the bush just to get some common sense into my thick skull. from when i lashed out at him, from when i was angry + confused + i slipped into a different person. 

in breath of the wild, zelda writes in her diary that link barely talks because he feels that it is necessary for him to stay strong + silently bear any burden. he sits alone at lunch. he complains to me about people trying to spark conversations with him + how he's surrounded by idiots, degenerates, + how it stings when some rando asks him what's wrong, he can always talk to them. "you're all i ever need." + he says that to me frequently. because i'll never give him an apology for mishaps. i'll never just tell him that it will get better, he's strong, then either end the conversation or go, "hi, this conversation is now about me" 

anyways, anyways, anyways

he sees my burden + he offers to take care of me anyway. his papa lectured him for being so involved with me + i hesitated, i stepped back + he begged for me to stay toe to toe, to tell him everything, to let him help me, he would die if it made me laugh breathlessly. he's brought fireflies to my heart. we've wasted time + i love it. we'll never be this young again + he can have my future. every day, new plants, new flowers bloom. in the ink city of my body, the city underground, ran entirely by electricity, oil, time. the lights were flickering out. the power outages lasted longer. the people were panicking. their world was coming to an end. + suddenly there was an escape + the hero has cast all the twilight, all the darkness + despair out from the city + instead, they saw light. true, natural, given light from the moon + that's when it all got better. that's when i understood the summer songs about kissing someone over + over + over. it became a thing of, it's one in the morning + the hallway light keeps coming on + i forgot what it was like to be scared of my father coming into my room + grounding me, i'm going to laugh loudly + love + breathe again. rosy red cheeks + helping my granny make hummingbird feed + _living,_ so help us G\od.

the difference between being fire + body. it's okay with him that i believe that women are seraphim + men should kiss our feet, should beg, should be below. jKJKJK lmao but , // "i'll have never have reason to! you're my sweet lil baby bon and you mean everything to me, you dont deserve that" but c'mon. i give him lots of reasons. yet he worships my mind + my body + my decisions. he's written me epic poems on how me staying up just to watch him play Majora's Mask makes him feel wanted + happy. how me laughing at his jokes makes him feel validated. how he's so in love with me + how he's so lucky this + that. that's peak performance. i've never had to shy away, or not speak my opinions about certain matters. he respects me, + that's as good as it gets, because the world knows you can't always expect stuff like that out of a man. don't get me wrong, i'm not thanking him for being a decent human being, but yoooo..... i'm thanking him for being a decent human being. 

i've always weighed my happiness + wellbeing on a number  
like turning 18, like being gone voids me of being hurt by what haunts me  
like i can't be hurt if i'm gone already

so now i try so hard not to focus on a lot of things  
\+ instead i can give light to my bonbon 

i bask in his love, i brag so much + talk about him + am just in awe of him

our love  
is me craving chocolate cake then him laughing while we eat it together. it's waking me up gently, him taking me seriously when i have a problem, he lets me get angry, tired, sad. but he does not let me self-mutilate. our love is me reminding him to eat + if he tells me he doesn't feel all that hungry or if he hasn't mentioned him eating something to me after a while, i make him send me before/after pictures. he watches all of my favourite movies. he gives me new reasons to love them. he gives me purpose. he keeps every picture of me. he loves me on sunny mornings, on nights where alarms are sounding inside of me. he lives six hours from me. in another world, we have to write letters to each other. theyre oozing with adore and probably smell like perfume.

i am enamored with the way his fingers move. the way he stands up sometimes + his hips are in front of the camera + my breath catches, my heart skips + i know it's a bit odd but just seeing his body makes me happy + excited because most of the time, we just see each other waist up, in front of our computer webcams. when he sends me mirror selfies i immediately imagine my arms wrapped around his waist. my head resting against his chest. he's so frickin tall, i love it. _what if i shrink?_ he asks me. i know he won't. i'd love him just the same. i imagine myself sitting on his lap, kissing him, soothing him, cuddling him, wrapped up in his light blue blanket with malcolm in the bed. i imagine him kissing me. a lot. 

he makes so dizzy. he makes my head spin + he makes me forget where i am sometimes. if you asked me how i felt knowing that my boyfriend is miles away from me i'd get confused. i don't care. never do. all i know is that i've never felt this way + one time when he was 18 minutes away from me at the nashville airport + i was in a walgreens, it felt like i was going to faint. my heart was going to burst out of my chest. i didn't care how giddy i seemed. i cried when he was finally out of tennessee. i didn't even touch him, or see him, + i felt satisfied with that, knowing he was in the same timezone as me. 

i just wanna kiss you + make the world fall away.  
is that okay?  
can i do that?

_bonbon i love you so much, i feel as though i may faint when you kiss me  
catch me!_

_baby!! <3 - Aujourd'hui 2:34_  
i love you  
hehehe, i will!  
with my strong swimmer arms, uwa 

he doesn't let me make excuses for my depression. when i shift uncomfortably, when mud is rising in my esophagus + i'm ready to say, "it's not that bad sometimes. i'm just complaining about stuff. this day was harder for me. today was made up of 2.5 earthquakes. remember, sunday had a category four hurricane in store for me." + he just sits me down. "you've been on call with me for four hours now + for 3/4, i've heard the sirens going off. close your curtains already, the window pane is shattered + blown out by the tempest. i woke you up because i saw you stirring, you were making noises in your sleep. i know when you have nightmares that bad, bonbon, i'm sorry. i really tried to wake you up + when you did, it was flooded + you had to make do + swim in it. i love you. be honest with me." 

that's the gist of it.

he stays up, even if he's tired, while i slowly doze off on call. he sings to me or tells me how much he loves me, just so i can go to sleep + start off dreaming with a peace of mind. when he can't sleep, he watches over me. sometimes my sleep-talking wakes him up + he talks to me. directs my dreams to a happier place. sometimes he just wakes me up, talks to me for a bit, then lets me go back to sleep. i've never had someone care so much for me. he's my white blood. 

\+ when i gush + spill out joy, when i wear a garland + bright colours + tell him how happy the world is, it's as if he swings me around + covers me in even happier kisses. he tells me how proud he is of me to reach happiness. to reach comfort. that i'm strong. you have no idea how much his words help + comfort me. 

i notice when his voice lowers, when he speaks slower on call with brian + i + when he's sitting back + he's kinda staring into space, + i have to break the silence within his mind. "what's the matter with ya, baby?" + that's when he turns to me + smiles, + he lights up. + that's how it's always kinda been! my world catches fire, + he's just there like hey baby girl, hi, i'm being as an ocean. cmere + let me show you the love that you deserve.

he sees everything as small + insignificant in comparison to me. he calls me his queen + wow, i sure do feel like it. 

so i sat down by the ocean + i swam in it + i damn near drowned myself in it. hand in hand, i think about how no other guy has ever written me poetry. how i've always wanted to be with a writer. long hair, good Christian values (KEKEKEKEK), someone who honest to everything, actually loves me. i've never been so sure of anything in my life, + I tell him frequently. we echo it back + forth. soulmate. absolute perfection. nothing else could ever compare + never has.

finally a day comes around + my lil sea witch of a fiancé holds my hand, his head resting on my shoulder. "i'm a burning building. did you know that?" he murmurs. he's kissing my bare skin. "mhm. do you want to get in the water together?" i kiss the top of his head. "yes. yeah. sure. only if you don't let go of my hand. i love you." 

i _need_ to know how his heartbeat sounds. i _need_ to know what he smells like. him giving me his hoodie is the best gift i can get. "the wind + the rain is really soothing to me. this gust of wind that blew your hair back for me so i didn't have to push it behind your ear myself, the rumbling sky, this electric intensity between us. don't you feel ancient + powerful?" + with the air biting my cheeks, i can just stare at him. "ahn--uh, uh huh." i don't blink. just nod + respond mindlessly because wow wow wow my boyfriend is beautiful + gorgeous in ways i can't quite explain + he's angelic. he's one of those avenging angels put on earth to set gardens on fire. he's one of those angels to whisper cursed things to children. he keeps to himself + he's quiet + peaceful but he stands by morals. he stands by /////';. i love him. 

our love is everlasting. 

\+ what he has taught me is that in the midst of angry fathers + terrible days is that happiness is wild. it branches out for you to grab + sometimes it's in the things you're not supposed to do. i was never supposed to have a chatting app for gamers because i'm a "16 year old girl, i need to get past that." but i decided to join a server made up of people who were passionate about funny internet jokes + art. + that's where i met him, complaining about japanese homework + our first introduction was me telling him to watch a video from 3! about milk. we wanted each other after one day. we met + we stayed up together. we didn't stop laughing for even five minutes. it was like that for two nights. the first, he slept without me. the second, he stayed on call while he slept. the third, it was maybe five for me. he was telling me how dark it was in his room + i hesitated then told him how badly i wanted to cuddle. + he said his stomach dipped, that he would love that. i fell in love with him so fast. i fell hard + i still am. 

i spent countless nights sneaking on call with him just to have a peace of mind. "he hit me. don't say anything about it, though. i don't want to hear it." + that was my barrier. that was the end of the conversation because you knew i would hang up if you tried to tell me how terrible i had it. if you told me how sorry you felt to hear that, how angry you were at my father. so you just looked at me with solemn eyes + we would try to build a different conversation + before we knew it, we would be laughing together again. + when the right time came, he committed treason. he waited for me to call him back. 

\+ i found happiness in just having a little corner of the world to myself. i like alone. + i liked him. i've never been allowed to even speak to someone in a different state than me. but here i was, here i am. painting my love story with a boy across the country from me. i wouldn't want it any other way, because i know that once we close this space in between us, we will crash, collide + i'll know love up close + personal. but for now i know it. i know it. but i don't know holding his face. i don't know running my fingers through his hair. i don't know being carried or nuzzling my head against the crook of his neck. but i know love + i definitely know our love. + i know that i am in love + so is he. love love love. 

"i'm suffocating tonight." he whispers to me. i click my tongue + i tell him how much i adore him. my lil baby bon. i say a few jokes + get discouraged when he doesn't laugh but i have to keep prodding if i want him to cheer up. it's not going to be instant. i'd let him bury himself in my arms. i'd hum to him, or pepper him with kisses. the sad truth is that i am nowhere close to touching him. i have dreams of him being right there + when i wake up, i forget that he's so far away. i get confused when he's not in my bed, or when he's not going to kiss me hello once i get to school. + that's perfectly fine because i will forget once again. because our love is so strong that i can feel it 2,331 miles away. 

"the moon likes you." i breathe out to him. "yeah? what does she say?" he asks me, + sneaks in a kiss while he's at it. "she told me you're not that big of a dork." he scoffs, + burrows his head against me. "you're so mean to me!" 

we were around a bonfire. the kind where secrets come out like fireflies. singing in public, dancing across crosswalks. he just giggles at me when i smack his shoulder excitedly when i see a dog. we are glow in the dark stars on the ceiling + moving into a room you've pretty much always wanted to move into. we are the blood, + the bruise, + the bone, we are the healing. oh, hamlet is the healing. baby, baby bonbonbon, you are the healing, + i oh so love you so very much. 

binding my life together with hamlet's made something good crack open within my ribcage + made something bad crawl out. watching him love music makes me feel every music like a flower petal. it's almost 4 in the morning + we are on call finally. it took a while. he's going to play his va-11 hall-a vinyl (side c) + he's wearing sweatpants which is rare for him. he set his camera up so i can see him walk around his room + switch the vinyls. he's the most beautiful thing that i have ever seen the way he moves, the way he picks things off of his vinyl + tries to lean it off with his hand. the way his hair hangs on his back, in front of his shoulders. the way the muscles on his arms are defined + his back arches + he's just so pretty. he's beautiful. i love him more than anything in this world. i just turned my music off to listen to his. everything feels so surreal.

i'm just so overjoyed to be with hamlet. just looking at him makes me get this huge smug, happy smile on my face. we're goofing off + doing terrible dance moves + he has this beautiful here's-all-my-teef smile plastered on his face. he keeps telling me to focus on my writing + this is why i didn't call him in the first place but wow wow wow. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 we can't stop giggling + GODDD i just LOVE him i love being with him i'm so BLESSED

so we're at this point where it's better, everything is so much better but i'm living on the brink of an anxiety attack. but all of that gets washed out of my hair when i'm in the water or when i'm with him. + i'm standing on the concrete getting ready to get in heated water. there's a big tent a good ten feet away from the pool + some of it is see through so we see the rain pouring down. "get in. i want to teach you how to swim." + you just kiss me, with that big ol smile i love so much on your face, wrapping your arms around me + falling in together.


End file.
